if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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