party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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