I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
