I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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