If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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