Your dad touched me again.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
