I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
