The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I woke up under a house in Key West
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
