Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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