where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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