Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
