I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize