Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
