his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
