I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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