Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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