Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
