Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
