I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
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