Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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