I murdered the dance floor call the cops
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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