We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
