I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
