Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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