woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
His hands were made for my vagina.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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