glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
You've changed since you got that strap on
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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