Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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