Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
