That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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