Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
