Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
