Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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