We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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