I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
