tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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