i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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