I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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