Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
BRING THE BAGELS
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
