Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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