I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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