Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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