Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
two words: eviction party
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
