evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
