Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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