he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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