i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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