Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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