If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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