i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
