i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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