I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
