Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
