Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
