how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
