Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
